(With all of my heart) I hate you
by Marionette Ame
Summary: There are ways to show someone that you love them, but sometimes the best way is simply to tell them. (UroRai)


Urokai is laughing in the courtyard, head thrown back, hair blown into his face by the wind. Zarga had said something, something personal since only Urokai is amused while Edian and Gradeus ignore him, to start it off, but now it's because his hair keeps going into his mouth and that makes him sputter.

He pushes his hair back every time, but the wind keeps blowing the red strands back. Edian advises him to turn so that it doesn't happen but he just pouts, and starts to speak before sputtering again. The others laugh at that too, even Roctis who was conversing with his brother up till now about something or another.

He's not entirely sure what because his eyes are focused on Urokai, and the others are just glimpses. Mere shadows in the colours of the rising sun.

Then there it is. A smile. That's what Zarga has to add to the scene of cobble framed by towering golden and red trees. It's one that tells everyone exactly what he's thinking. Exuberant and joyful, he's happy whenever Urokai is too. "I love you," he says intimately without words.

Raizel touches his own lips at that. Trying to mimic the curve of their lips, he fails to even feel the twitch of his muscles and envy fills him at how easily the expression shows on their faces. It makes them even more distant than they already were as he watches from his window.

He's not sure what he's missed in those few moments, but Urokai is looking at him. With a smile, he waves at him, and Raizel blushes. He can't return the action so he nods before backing away from the window to sit down. His fingers go to his lips again and he realises something.

He was smiling.

* * *

He first learns that Urokai loves him soon after the death of his brother.

He leads Raizel to a seat and forces him to sit, then puts in his hands a cup of tea. The concern is obvious but Urokai doesn't say anything, and he's grateful. Grief fills him at all that has transpired and he cannot talk.

It's a feeling that has his body stuffed and mounted on the wall as a feeling. Heavy, numb, dead. Does he feel anything? No, and that is proof that he is overcome by turmoil. Ravaged and torn by a war that spared nobody involved, for even Edian has retreated far away with eyes like crystal. Clear. Dull.

It's because of this that he doesn't shift when Urokai sits next to him when normally he would have out of embarrassment. It's because of this that he sips slowly at the tea that is the proof he needed (bandages on Urokai's hand from shards of ceramic while brewing the drink because even though he's trembling from the death of the man he had admired most in Lukedonia, he still cares for Raizel). It's because of this that he doesn't take the chance given to him to say "I love you."

When Urokai has left, he sits there, lonely in the dark of the room (of the night), and cries.

* * *

When Frankenstein is out sparring with Gechutel, Urokai visits him. He doesn't know how it happens, but hours later they lay in bed together.

He has Urokai in his arms as they rest quietly and the touch of skin against his is almost euphoric. _Deadly_. With the flames of Agvain fire burning intensely just a cut away (for he has seen Urokai's blood now, and how it bubbles, boiling when in contact with others) he's tracing patterns carefully on his shoulders. The cool touch makes Urokai shiver against him, and he watches closely. Red hair sprawls in his vision, and it's not hard to explain why when Urokai clings to him, face hidden.

Raizel could almost be satisfied.

Yet he can't be when it's accompanied by the wetness on his skin from warm tears, and when he can feel him shake from his sobs. Nails dig into him too deep and draw blood, yet it's not painful like the sounds he hears. They vibrate through him, and roll in his ears.

"I hate you," Urokai whispers between his tears. He repeats it again and again, as if he is afraid that Raizel will not believe him. He is right, because he doesn't.

All he can do is stroke his hair, and continue tracing patterns on his shoulders as his own gets wetter. They stay like that for too long (because he does not like it when Urokai is sad, and wants to reassure him so that he doesn't feel like this again) when the words finally change.

"With all of my heart," Urokai murmurs, too quiet to be heard in ordinary circumstances, "I hate you."

Raizel doesn't say anything for he knows that it is a lie, and only closes his eyes. It's so that he doesn't cry, because he's pained by the words even though they are falsehoods, the same way a blunt sword causes pain when hit hard.

Urokai doesn't say anything more, and leaves soon. Raizel doesn't stir, even though he is awake, despite the difficulty when he feels lips against his. They press softly, chastely, and then they are gone. He is gone.

When Raizel fall into his slumber, he regrets not having told Urokai that he loved him.

* * *

"Please... forgive me for causing you sadness."

The words echo within his head, refusing to leave. It prevents him from doing anything, so he simply sits in the living room, and wonders if it's okay to cry. It's not too different from what he does usually, except for the wish to grieve, so nobody notices anything.

Nobody doesn't include Frankenstein of course.

So in the quiet, he says, "Urokai asked me to forgive him."

Frankenstein nods slowly, "Yes, he did."

There is a silence and he stares blankly at the wall. Did Urokai forgive him for all the sadness he had felt then? Or had he, in his last moments, put all the blame on himself?

"I loved him."

Raizel finally says it, and it's numbing. Frankenstein is shocked, probably because he had assumed any affection was platonic, but that turns to sadness. It is a useless feeling from his bonded because it doesn't make his self-loathing disappear, even if he does appreciate it.

He hates himself for not saying anything. With all of his heart, he hates himself.


End file.
